One of the most important components of relationships is the ability to co-regulate. 

Complex Trauma Resources defines co-regulation as “the process through which children develop the ability to soothe and manage distressing emotions and sensations from the beginning of life through connection with nurturing and reliable primary caregivers.”

When we are infants and children, it is crucial that our caregivers provide us with regulation. A baby needs to know that when they cry, their caregiver will respond to them by providing food or comfort. If a child does not receive attention or consistent attention, they will learn that they cannot rely on others to meet their needs. 

Complex Trauma Resources writes that “Co-regulation involves various types of responses, including but not limited to: a warm, calming presence and tone of voice, verbal acknowledgment of distress, modeling of behaviors that can modulate arousal, and the provision of a structured environment that supports emotional and physical safety.” 

The adults supporting us know how to adjust their responses based on our emotional states and needs. The regulation our caregivers provide for us not only helps us meet our needs when we are young, but it also teaches us how to regulate our emotions and meet our needs. They teach us what emotional and physical safety feels like so that we can identify safety as adults.

Some of the things that we learn from consistent emotional co-regulation are:

• That our emotions aren’t too big for the people around us

• We can feel and express a wide range of emotions

• If we have a need, it can be met

• We can rely on others to help meet our needs

• The necessary skills to regulate our own emotions

We learn important relational skills from healthy early relationships. If your caregiver was consistently reliable, you could build trust with them, knowing that they would take care of you and that you were safe. 

It is normal to struggle with regulating your emotions as an adult if you did not receive consistent co-regulation from a caregiver as a child.

Some effects of little to no or inconsistent emotional co-regulation while growing up:

• You feel like you can’t rely on others to meet your needs

• You feel like you have to hide “negative” emotions

• You don’t know how to respond to your needs

• You have difficulty identifying your emotions

• You struggle to regulate your emotions, leading to outbursts

• You expect others to be able to read your mind and know what you need

It could be difficult to feel safety in yourself and to find safe people and spaces if you didn’t experience this as a child. Not having emotional co-regulation can be traumatizing for infants and children, and it can also be a component of other complex trauma. Maybe you grew up with caregivers who worked constantly or abused substances and weren’t emotionally or physically present. When we grow up in environments where we don't get our emotional needs met, this impacts the ways in which we show up to adult relationships.

Want to know one common outcomes of not getting your regulation needs met? Codependency. Codependency is a relational pattern, where you chronically neglect your own needs in order to fix, people-please or keep others from having strong emotional experiences. I wrote more about how codependency can begin in unpredictable environments, like not knowing if a caregiver will meet your needs. 

The good news is that the effects of not having consistent co-regulation are not a life sentence. It is possible to learn necessary relational skills as an adult!

In our next article, we’ll share how you can experience and practice emotional co-regulation in relationships as an adult.

If you are looking for a to learn skills for recovering from trauma, like regulating your nervous system or understanding your codependent patterns, we have a library of courses built with you in mind. I suggest starting with our Regulated: Nervous System Masterclass. Explore our specialized courses here.